Erasing is not an option I give me.

Of the many heavy questions that get thrown about amongst us gang of girls, philosophising after a long day and an even longer evening... this one came along, choking air off my lungs.

First some backdrop

Scene : Bunch of girls all in the age group of 24-26, Some borderline unemployed, some hate their jobs, some hate their bosses, some borderline unemployed, hated their previous work and their ex- bosses. Thick as thieves (yes believe me girls are that kinda friends too and way more often than is imagined), card games, pizzas, insane pranks, hours of mutual healthy insults, and decent amount of booze later sit and muse

The big question: To be... all pervasive, omnipresent in our circle from what would soon be our past lives (one way or the other) and 'hang in there' together or, Not to be... and shrink into our respective shells, figure out life, and then move towards 'the decided' with a focused-driven zeal.

The guilt a question so potent can cause, is like striking ice cold water unprepared.
Though all of us earned our dough, life suddenly seemed life a flamboyant extended holiday, all on my dad's credit card.

I confess that I have a tendency to assume guilt when its not mine to bear, but this time everything felt dead wrong, damn! smiling felt like a crime.

So I thought this one out and i am putting it down to be sure that i am sure :)

Nothing is stationary yet life is an accumulated sum total of all u have been and done, I am no stranger to tragedy, God has a funny way of loving me. I still bear the burden of years wasted in the so called focused attainment of my goals I could have done all that and been happy too. I chose to shut down, to erase and write again.

This time, i will not shun the people I love because of my troubles, I will not let this mar or mould my life. Things will be the way they are and if anything, only better.

Don't mistake me unemployment is a big deal. I am in hibernation, I will do my figuring out, and I will come out big. But there wont be anymore erasing.. it is what it is... not what should have been or what could have been... it is what it is... and I can make this work in my favor. I will.

Everday Magic Reminiscence

This happened the night after Diwali two years back.... just like that

"I was walking down the ‘beaten-n-never once repaired in a million years’ lane outside my home and the music in my ears, the chilly breeze on my face, the warmth of the clothing on my body combined with the soft lights illuminating almost all the houses in the lane, created a dreamlike state where I felt I was more floating than walking… simple every day magic.. ain't life beautiful..

Remember the famous: the woods are lovely dark n deep, but I have miles to go before I sleep… I once adored it too but to think of it now, oh I love the miles n respect them too much to want to wait for the sleep.. maybe when I am older and in pain then, but right now, all of 22 and more, of all the living I feel the most alive.."

Everday Magic

Eloquence is a rarity, it seldom comes to me, and so what I am doing tonight is capitalize. There are few days, one does not wish should end, today’s one of them for me, I felt like a girl after a long time and not just any girl, the girl I’ had like myself to believe I really am. I had friends, fun, people I cared about around me and I felt existence makes sense. I was free styling with words. And things seemed not to be as bad as I know they actually are.

It’s a strange and terrifyingly powerful thing the human psyche, capable of unparalleled exuberance, patience and persistence. I never feared having a short life, just having a small one.

I hate it when something unpleasant wipes off my large goofy smile on having had a good day, someone or something always does that, its on a day like today when life unexpectedly swooshes form one hour to the next and no one has a clue that your totally rapturous with everyday magic, that when its unscathed and u cant even sleep cause you know tomorrow would be just another day minus the magic…