Ice Cream Akka

"Mazjid bahut door hai, chalo aaj ek bachche ko muskurane pe majboor karen"

For overworked and underpaid IT professionals such as me weekends are sacred. Work just aint any enjoyment for us, we work so we can, some times do things we enjoy. To pay the bills, go on that occasional shopping spree, buy that rare gift for our parents.
Everything is noise the nonstop typing, the constant clicks of the mouse, the back to back calls.

When we sit with friends with a drink in one hand and that monstrous tracking device called cell phone in the other we are so lonely while in so called company.

The boss is always right, the client is always right, the spouse/boy friend/love interest is always right and world war three would break out if we would all think aloud for ten minutes.

Amidst this chaos of random things that make up our lives, i have began to ask that continuously buzzing question, what’s the meaning in it all.

I don’t really turn to god in my hour of need, his supplying that rescuing streak of luck' rating sucks!

To make myself useful this weekend i walked into a residential school behind my apartments "Devangiri School for the Blind" and those discolored, disfigured, lost, unseeing eyes saw through me. They felt my face my structure and for the first time in months i neither felt my baby belly nor aging before my time, i felt clean cleansed

Children all shapes sizes and colors are the only semblance of sanity walking this earth if someone would ask me.

Ice candy colored lips speaking a dialect I don’t understand made more sense to me than any descriptive documentation would, pie charts, process flows, excel sheets be damned.

Arms around each other walking in circles, no agenda, no plan of action no growth graphs these miniature angles lifted off all the weight in my heart one ugly stone at a time.

I don’t wanna be the ideal daughter/grand daughter/wife/business analyst/friend/ human being...

I was glad to be the ice cream Akka for 2 hours.

Memoirs Misplaced

i miss the dirt
i miss chopping doll hair
i miss the long endless chats i used to have with me
i miss those fist fights always came back bloody but a winner
i miss being able to count the bones in my rib cage..
i miss Maggi.. slurp!
i miss the small puppies i would bring back from school and hide..
i miss kapeesh the kalu pup who stayed the longest with me
i miss my newspaper notes i used to feel so rich with that fake currency...
i miss my small airy chikken frocks and ganjees, never had to bother about what showed and what didn't..
i miss sneaking out of bed every afternoon and most nights to attack the ladoo jar.. slurp slurp!!
i miss dad with him went away so much of what could have been.

Big spaces.... Shallow minds!!

Big offices drive me crazy and the prospect of spending a huge precious chunk of my bery own life in them… yaekks!… freaks me out completely…

Keep imagining the reactions I would get if I stood on the desk and threw water balloons at them tied and suited nerds… he he what fun…

I see green... Hiiiiiee yaaa!!

I've always felt that everybody has a 'hulk gene' i.e. we all at some point in time or the other have felt the heat rise to our faces, ears turn red, as though some ones blowing a giant balloon in ur gut that is precariously close to bursting..
i guess u get the point..

For those who have never experienced it u have my sympathy and respect..
Sounds weird? but hey, u have never been a real threat to anyone ever..
and respect cause u have peace of mind the likes of which i have only read about.

Having been called hot headed a zillion times
Its time I dissect the cause
Admitted I lose my cool a dozen time a day at least (that's if people around me are lucky)
But what infuriates the most.. What mortally repels
well I have got to give it off to the self righteous lot that lacks imagination..
the unoriginal hypocrite who claims "how can blah blah do such a thing... cheee!!"
and do a sleek volte-face and create a bovine behavioural replica...
Is it sheer dumbness? When will these ostriches realize it is so bloody obvious..

SMASH HIT BREAK BURN... Hulk gene's kicking in....

Erasing is not an option I give me.

Of the many heavy questions that get thrown about amongst us gang of girls, philosophising after a long day and an even longer evening... this one came along, choking air off my lungs.

First some backdrop

Scene : Bunch of girls all in the age group of 24-26, Some borderline unemployed, some hate their jobs, some hate their bosses, some borderline unemployed, hated their previous work and their ex- bosses. Thick as thieves (yes believe me girls are that kinda friends too and way more often than is imagined), card games, pizzas, insane pranks, hours of mutual healthy insults, and decent amount of booze later sit and muse

The big question: To be... all pervasive, omnipresent in our circle from what would soon be our past lives (one way or the other) and 'hang in there' together or, Not to be... and shrink into our respective shells, figure out life, and then move towards 'the decided' with a focused-driven zeal.

The guilt a question so potent can cause, is like striking ice cold water unprepared.
Though all of us earned our dough, life suddenly seemed life a flamboyant extended holiday, all on my dad's credit card.

I confess that I have a tendency to assume guilt when its not mine to bear, but this time everything felt dead wrong, damn! smiling felt like a crime.

So I thought this one out and i am putting it down to be sure that i am sure :)

Nothing is stationary yet life is an accumulated sum total of all u have been and done, I am no stranger to tragedy, God has a funny way of loving me. I still bear the burden of years wasted in the so called focused attainment of my goals I could have done all that and been happy too. I chose to shut down, to erase and write again.

This time, i will not shun the people I love because of my troubles, I will not let this mar or mould my life. Things will be the way they are and if anything, only better.

Don't mistake me unemployment is a big deal. I am in hibernation, I will do my figuring out, and I will come out big. But there wont be anymore erasing.. it is what it is... not what should have been or what could have been... it is what it is... and I can make this work in my favor. I will.

Everday Magic Reminiscence

This happened the night after Diwali two years back.... just like that

"I was walking down the ‘beaten-n-never once repaired in a million years’ lane outside my home and the music in my ears, the chilly breeze on my face, the warmth of the clothing on my body combined with the soft lights illuminating almost all the houses in the lane, created a dreamlike state where I felt I was more floating than walking… simple every day magic.. ain't life beautiful..

Remember the famous: the woods are lovely dark n deep, but I have miles to go before I sleep… I once adored it too but to think of it now, oh I love the miles n respect them too much to want to wait for the sleep.. maybe when I am older and in pain then, but right now, all of 22 and more, of all the living I feel the most alive.."

Everday Magic

Eloquence is a rarity, it seldom comes to me, and so what I am doing tonight is capitalize. There are few days, one does not wish should end, today’s one of them for me, I felt like a girl after a long time and not just any girl, the girl I’ had like myself to believe I really am. I had friends, fun, people I cared about around me and I felt existence makes sense. I was free styling with words. And things seemed not to be as bad as I know they actually are.

It’s a strange and terrifyingly powerful thing the human psyche, capable of unparalleled exuberance, patience and persistence. I never feared having a short life, just having a small one.

I hate it when something unpleasant wipes off my large goofy smile on having had a good day, someone or something always does that, its on a day like today when life unexpectedly swooshes form one hour to the next and no one has a clue that your totally rapturous with everyday magic, that when its unscathed and u cant even sleep cause you know tomorrow would be just another day minus the magic…